Massive Retreat
by CranberryVishnu
Summary: Mallory Archer is disgusted. Low morale, bad work ethic, lack of unity. The whole team is sent to Mt. Massive where they will attend a workshop focused on synergistic team building. ALSO on Mt. Massive is a little assylum... It is run by Krieger's old college buddy, and fellow RUSH devotee, Dr. Trager. This story is being co-written with Heletherel another FF writer!
1. Ch 1 - The Announcement

**Massive Retreat | Chapter 01**

"Now that we're ALL here… _KRIEGER_… I can finally begin my announcemen – "

Mallory Archer, head of ISIS stopped in mid sentence. The ice cubes clinked as she swirled then carefully sniffed at her tumbler of scotch. Ruling that out, she glared accusingly at the ISIS agents assembled in front of her desk.

"What's that GOD-AWFUL smell?!"

The group began to look around. First at each other, but then their initial attention swiftly dissolved into the appearance of caring as they examined random objects in the room. Cryil Figgis the agency's comptroller, tentatively looked behind a picture on the wall, then off of Mallory's glare, sheepishly pretended to straighten it.

While field agent, Sterling Archer looked up at the lamp on the ceiling for the source, Pam swiftly dropped a lit joint she had been hiding in the palm of her hand into his Vodka and Orange. Having disposed of it successfully, she breathed a sigh of relief – releasing a thin ribbon of green smoke through her teeth.

Carol had a sudden insight.

"Ohmygod it smells just like that awful little dwarf from the carnival last month – remember?! You know – with those useless, stubby little fingers? Eew… Quick, look under the desk! He's probably under there right now… doing weird little – uh, _dwarvy_ things…"

Dismissing Carol, Lana was trying to actually figure out where the weird smell was coming from.

"I'd lay off of those 'groovy bears' if I were you, Carol."

Carol's eyes grew wide and excited as she reached into her bag pulling out a small, bright red and dangerously drug-laced gummi bear.

"Ooooh."

Lana's eyebrows rose slightly as she said nervously, under her breath to Carol, "Uh, Seriously – I think you're gonna want to cool it with those things."

Then, addressing the rest of the group – "So what IS that smell? It's getting pretty strong – Kreiger? You haven't said anything yet – what do you think it is?"

Kreiger was standing behind everyone and staring straight ahead.

"Krieger!" Lana yelled practically in his ear. "Do you seriously NOT smell tha – oookaaaay. What's in the sack your holding?"

Maintaining a fixed, slightly haunted stare, Krieger continued looking dead ahead. But as all the attention was now focused squarely on him, he finally answered in a tightly wound, formal tone.

"Sack…? _What_ sack? I don't have a sack."

"YES you do, dicknuts!" Pam brayed, "It's right THERE in your hands – and whatever stinky shit is in there had better be edible! Because I am REALLY friggin' hungry …" She glanced at Archer's glass "…for um… some unknown reason."

Krieger continued to stare straight ahead, eyes growing large as the internal panic began to manifest. As he spoke, there was a tremor running through his petulant and carefully modulated voice.

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about. I don't have a _sack_…per se – and NOTHING should be smelling… _yet_."

Ray Gillette rolled his chair over and, pointing to a large, deep red stain in the bottom of the sack, looked up at Krieger. "Well whatever you're callin' it honey – the mystery goo in your pillow case is startin' to leak…"

Looking down with a horrified expression, Krieger suddenly gasped, "Oh _GHOD_ – it's starting to _THAW_!" Then he furtively pivoted and dashed from the room.

The group looked on in silence as they heard his footsteps disappear down the hall. A door slammed, there was a sound of breaking glass and sobbing… Archer felt the need to do something about the awkward silence that followed.

"Why do we even let him out of this building? EVER? Seriously – we should keep him locked up here all the time…"

Mallory was losing her patience.

"OH you know he hasn't been out for months! Not since the whole mortuary incede – OH, just never mind that – we need to get back to why I brought you – "

Lana was confused now – "SO then – exactly how _did_ he get that sack of weird… shit?"

Popping another 'groovy bear' Carol answered lightly, "Oh, he uses sandwiches and snacks from the vending machine to lure uh, "subjects" into the garbage chute… Then I drop bricks on their heads – then he keeps me supplied with these litt – forget I said anything."

Lana stared at the ground. "I sooooo didn't want to know that."

Slamming a solid and extremely dangerous looking crystal paperweight down on her desk, Mallory riveted the entire room's attention.

"IF we can PLEASE get back to the reason I called this meeting…"

Archer was still coming to terms with what he had just witnessed…

"Wow – Krieger is like the Johan Dippel of modern research!"

Everyone just stared at him blankly.

"You know – Johan Dippel? Scientist – grave robber… Inventor of 'Prussian – Blue – Dye?' No one?! Really? Am I the only one who ever bothers to pick up a boo –"

"Sterling Archer – will you FOCUS?!"

Catching a flash out of the corner of his eye – Archer was able to duck just in time to avoid Mallory's glass that was hurtling through the air at his head, trailing booze and ice cubes in its wake like the tail of an angry, alcohol fueled comet. His lightening reflexes caused the missile to fly harmlessly past him and smash on the wall next to Cyril, accompanied by a chorus of gasps.

"GOD – Mother! What is your freakin' PROB –"

"My problem, Sterling – is the appalling lack of team work at ISIS! It is causing sloppy and disconnected work in the field and a lack of attention to detail here in the home office as well."

Ray rolled his eyes, then moved his wheel chair forward slightly – "'Home office' – puh-lease – this is the _ONLY_ office. It's not like we're ODIN or anything…"

"And it's just THAT kind of back talk, 'Ms. Gillette' that has been hurting morale at ISIS!"

"…and I'm sure it will be good ol' gay bashing that'll bring the team together…" Ray muttered sullenly.

Cyril spoke up tentatively.

"So… should I… wait until after the meeting to pull this glass splinter out of my eye? I'm pretty sure there's no _permanent_ damage, but it still really, _really_ hur – "

"Oh shut up Cryil!" Mallory ordered as she poured out a new drink.

Sterling saw an opportunity to redirect the animosity in the room and chimed in.

"Yeah, Cyril – give it a rest – you're always making everything about you!"

"SO, Mallory – " Lana ventured, navigating the discussion back to the main topic, "why did you bring us here?"

"Thank you Lana – to address the overwhelming lack of team cohesion, which I think you'll all agree – is self evident – I have engaged a consulting group. I have engaged them at _no small expense, _I might add…"

Cryil considered the term – "no small expense" and quietly said in a tremulous voice, "The pain just grows…" Mallory just continued, speaking over him.

"…to 'coach' us in a series of intensive team building exercises that will put – once and for all – our disruptive habits behind us!"

"Yay!" Carol jumped up and, to her horror, several candy bears bounced out of her bag and spilled on the floor. "Oh god no…" she whispered, as she dropped to her hands and knees collecting them, "…the source of all my power!"

Pam knelt down next to Carol and reached for one of the colorful candy bears…

"Here, lemme help you with that…Oowwwitch!" Carol hissed like a viper and slapped her hand away.

"You have GOT to be kidding, mother! That is SO gay!" Sterling groaned.

Ray shook his head incredulously… "Yep, that's ISIS – a culture embracing diversity…"

"Oh – can it Ray!" Mallory retorted. Pointing to his wheel chair, she continued, "I've gone to great lengths to make you feel _accommodated_ – putting those little ramps everywhere and grab bars and God knows what else all over the place to help you with your… '_affliction'_ and all."

Ray was incredulous "It's NOT an affliction! I'm paralyzed!" Then as if he could hear Lana and Sterling rolling their eyes – he added, "For REAL this time – God!"

A wavering voice in the back reasserted itself to the group. It was Cyril. He had a red stained handkerchief against the corner of his eye.

"So – I think I better see a doctor pretty soon because it's starting to –"

Archer was appalled at Cyril's bad manners. "GOD! Cyril – can you _not_ think about anything other than your own selfish needs for even one second?!"

Ignoring Sterling and Cyril, Lana asked Mallory,

"Okay – when do these team building consultants get here – and more importantly, _who_ are they? I'm assuming (knowing full well what a bad idea that is), that they've been thoroughly checked out and cleared by security?"

Confidently, Mallory took a huge pull on her scotch and answered back.

"Despite your complete and total lack of confidence in me _and_ my judgment Lana, I can assure you, that all your security concerns are unwarranted."

Lana's brow furrowed slightly… "Okay – that answered NONE of my questions, which leads me to believe that in fact, this consulting firm has not been checked out and that we could be compromising the safety of ISIS not to mention our numerous clients."

"For your information Lana, the consulting firm's name is 'Rose in Bloom Synergistic Technologies' and we will be going _to_ them." Lana opened her mouth to speak but Mallory, just raised her hand silencing her and added, "Before you say anything – security will NOT be an issue. The President and CEO, Charleston _'Chuck'_ Rosenbloom himself, will be overseeing the engagement. And as he is an _old and dear friend of mine_, I can personally vouch for his character and the professional nature of his agency."

Having finished her drink, Mallory poured another and continued.

"They have a beautiful extravagant resort on Mt. Massive in the picturesque state of Colorado – Carol, after you gather up your psychedelic candies, please book us all flights to Denver, then we will need connecting flights to the town of Leadville where we'll all meet up. The following morning a shuttle will be waiting to take us to the facility."

As the team headed out, Mallory called after them, "And START packing because we leave tomorrow!"


	2. Ch 2 - An Unscheduled Stop

"Cyril! What the _hell_ are you doing?" Archer exclaimed bewilderedly as he repeatedly face-slapped his dozing coworker, who was in the driver's seat of the ISIS team's van, and had been inches away from drifting it off the edge of a moonlit, cliffside road.

"God! Ow-_geez, _Archer!" Cyril complained in his typical peevish voice. "It's-called-I'm _exhausted _because someone's drunken antics on the flight to Leadville _not only _deprived me of even a moment of sleep, but nearly got us all thrown in jail! Now we've missed the goddamn shuttle and I _still _haven't had a second to close my eyes. And Krieger and Pam and Raye are so slow in that pathetic pile of junk in front of us that I doubt we'll _ever _find our way off of this road. I can't believe Krieger demanded to take that van on the trip with us."

"And _your mother _will be waiting at the resort, wondering where we are," Lana added from the backseat, aiming at the subject of her hatred with narrowed, sleep deprived eyes.

"Sheesh, just relax, guys," Archer said, trying to dissipate the awkward tension that swirled through the vehicle. "All I wanted was a drink with some _actual_ ice cubes in it. I mean, come on, ice-_cubes. _Is that _too much _to ask for…_on an airplane_? Where they, y'know…serve _drinks_?!" As an intended aside, he added, "So I had to…_remedy_ the situation."

"I don't think _remedying _the situation includes hurling vodka in the flight attendant's eyes and trying to break into the cockpit," Lana interjected.

"It wasn't even _good _vodka!"

"And let's not forget how_ I _was caught in the crossfire," Carol pointed out from beside Lana, lifting a soggy lump of cloth out of a plastic bag. "This blouse is _ruinnned, _thank you very much!_"_

Carol's piercing voice was just loud enough to rouse Cyril from another lapse into sleep. But the shock of waking up caused him to panic and jerk the wheel.

"Holy _shit, Cyril! What in the name of Gator McClusky are you-AAAH!"_

Archer's scream was joined by a chorus of cries from his coworkers as the van tore through the flimsy guardrail to their left and tumbled down the cliff.

_C-runch._

"Oh god. Did I just…?"

"Yes, you did, Cyril," Lana sighed in a somewhat shaken, deeply disappointed voice. "Is everyone else alright?"

"Yeah…somehow…" Carol replied in a strained voice.

"Alive…oh yeah, and _furious_," Archer added, staring straight ahead with a dismal expression on his face.

Turning to Cyril, Lana said, "Sooooo…hopefully there's enough room in Krieger's bumbling shitwagon for us to hitch a ride."

"_If_ they even noticed us crash and bothered to stop," Carol moaned, trying to fix her disheveled updo.

"Well thanks, _Cyril_," Archer concluded with a scowl. "I hope you're happy now that we're all stranded on a _desolate mountain in the middle of the night_ so that you could sate your selfish desires."

"_Seriously_, Cyril, why don't you just fuel up on coffee?" Carol complained. "Or speed? And in _that_ case, the more, the merrier!"

Cyril just sighed, ignoring Carol's disturbing comments, and whispered, "Asshole."

Kicking open the back door of the van, Lana slid outside with her suitcase in hand. As she looked back up to the road, she realized how far they had fallen.

"I don't think we'll be able to climb back up there. The cliff face is nearly vertical and we don't have any of our climbing gear with us. Not to mention, Krieger's group is nowhere in sight. God knows if they even realized we're gone." Sighing gloomily, she turned around to find Archer behind her, looking in the opposite direction.

"_There's _another road," he observed, pointing at a strip of pavement about a quarter of a mile from their totaled van, half shrouded in old trees. "Don't be such a downer, Lana. Am I gonna have to start calling you _Hudson_? 'Cause you bitch and moan just about as much as he did. Before he got…murdered by aliens, that is…."

"Well, it _is _going uphill," Lana mumbled, brushing off Archer's obnoxious comments. "Maybe we could use it as some sort of detour."

"UUUHHHHHGGHH!" Carol groaned as she staggered out of the van with her numerous bags and cases trailing in her wake. "This is going to be _impossible_! How do you expect me to trudge up a _mountain_ with this kind of load?! _On-foo-oot!_"

"Just for the record, all of you," Cyril added, climbing out of the driver's seat, "I am really, _really sor-_"

"Oh, shut _up_, Cyril," Archer snapped. "Just keep in mind that if we end up at that haunted hotel from The Shining, _you'll _be the one that we sacrifice to the axe-murderer."

"Way to think ahead, Archer," Lana sarcastically hissed, beginning the trek to the road. Mostly to herself, she added, "…What was this trip supposed to be about again? Teeeam buildinnng?"

"Well, we _are _in Colorado…." Archer reasoned, still fixated on the subject of The Shining.


	3. Ch 3 - Doobie Wave

**Massive Retreat | Chapter 03**

"…THE SHINING! Wow! Just look at that lake! It's like a big-ass bowl full of sugar-frosted diamonds!"

Pam was pressed up against the small round rear window of Dr. Krieger's beloved _Vanispheres,_ marveling at the glittering lake past which they were driving. It was far below in a deep valley and fading fast into the distance as they continued to wind up the mountain road. As Pam marveled at the beautiful scene, she was totally oblivious of Archer, Cyril, Cheryl and Lana, who were presently stranded by the twisted, smoking heap of their rental car, frantically jumping up and down and waving.

"Way to mix those similes, Pam…" Ray snarked – "I can really visualize everything I'm missing as I sit here, bolted securely in the _middle_ of the van… with no access to windo –"

"And I can _visualize_ the gas mileage plummeting drastically from all the heavy-as-shit cripple crap we've been lugging around in here." Kreiger interrupted.

"Oooh! Krieger San – No to make fun of gay invalid!" scolded his virtual fiancé who was sitting in the front seat next to him.

"But I wasn't – _oh fuckit..."_

Krieger sighed deeply as he rolled his eyes to the ceiling causing her to fold her arms and stare out the window in a huff.

"Well I don't know why you insisted on driving this gas-suckling tub of pig-iron all the way out here in the first place when we could have just taken a damn plane!" Pam yelled shattering the tension like an asteroid in a china shop.

As she shouted over her shoulder, Pam turned away from her window completely missing the huge flare Lana fired high into the air.

Looking in the rearview mirror through the thick clouds of smoke, Krieger's eyes grew large and scary as he answered her incredulously.

"Becauuussssse – Paaaaaam – I am gonna FILL this baby with _PRIMO dooooobage_."

"Speaking of which…" Ray chimed in, "…are you gonna hog that blunt for the whole trip, or are you gonna spread the love around a little?"

Brett who was sitting in the back across from Pam said hesitantly, "Do you really think that it's wise to –"

Coughing – out a large cloud of green smoke, Krieger handed the massive joint back to Ray, who leaned forward and impatiently snatched it up.

"About damn time…"

Back in the ravine, not far from the lake, Cyril had removed the tires from the car and had doused them in gasoline he had siphoned from the tank. He was in the process of trying to light them on fire. As he struggled to ignite the dangerous, gas-soaked structure, he was in the middle of a heated conversation with Lana and swiftly losing his patience.

"…to make a damn _SMOKE_ signal! Seriously – the tires will make really, _really_ dark smoke – it'll be seen for… like, miles!"

"OR we could just use a little thing I like to call a PHONE!" Yelled Lana waving her iPhone as Archer was fashioning a fishing spear from a fallen tree branch. Seeing him out of the corner of her eye, she just turned letting her hands drop to her sides and stared at him.

"What… what are you doing?"

"Fishing spear. Lana… Seriously, we could be here for years – stranded… in a land – a Land of the _LOST_!"

Lana just closed her eyes trying to keep her temper as Archer continued.

"You know, like Marshall, Will and Holly? It totally started out like any other 'routine expedition' for them too – JUST LIKE US."

"Sure Archer go ahead… better get that thing ready before the 'Sleestak' get all the fish…"

Then with a sigh, she gave up and started paging through the contact list on her phone as Archer began working feverishly on his spear.

"Ohmygod – the Sleestak! We'll need to move fast – Cyril – Carol check for pylons!"

Cyril was too disoriented by the noxious rubber and gas fumes coming from the smoldering signal fire to respond. Cheryl/Carol was sitting on a large, flat rock by the lake, alternately laughing and crying.

"Bad baby! NO! HAHAHAHAH! No! I told you – it's bad! Bad… ba – Oh god! GOD – it's everywhere… Sob… WAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Realizing none of them were listening to her, Lana just shook her head, speed dialed Kreiger's number and waited for him to pick up as she listened to the ring tone.

Finally she heard him answer.

"Hello Pisces child."

KRIEGER! Thank God – okay, here's what hap –"

Up in the van, enveloped in a fog of green smoke, Krieger yelled in horror at his mobile device over the blaring sitar music.

"NO – I'll tell YOU what's _happening BABY!_ We're riding on a psychedelic doobie wave to the promised land!"

"Krieger – seriously… you need to listen to m – "

"NO – We've _listened _enough! You can just go back to your plastic world of power lunches, business suits and lies!"

Then he slung his phone out the window, causing it to bounce and smash in the road as the van hurtled on up the mountain. His virtual girlfriend who, for the sake of sanity, we'll call 'Idoru' (why the hell not – _seriously_…) kicked her feet and clapped her hands at the naughtiness of it all and cast a secret, loving glance at Krieger. And in that moment –

All was forgiven.

Pam also approved and more than that – was moved to action. She collected the phones from Ray and a reluctant Brett shoving him in the face and growling threateningly as she wrenched it from his hands. Triumphant, she leaned over and ejected them along with her own, out of Krieger's window too.

"Yeah, Krieger! WHOO! Stick it to the man, dude!"

Back on the shore of the lake where the fumes of the burning tires had overwhelmed Cyril, causing him to pass out, Lana was staring death rays at the screen on her phone. Ignoring Cheryl/Carol who was gazing sadly at her reflection in the lake, muttering,

"It was all so _perfect_ and then YOU came along… You bad stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…"

Lana flipped on the map function, and looking up realized…

"Well… shit! According to this map… we've arrived… How can… that – be? Waitaminute…"

Squinting against the sun, she gazed across the small lake and saw a large, sprawling modern building nestled in the trees. She turned to Archer who had just emerged from the lake with twelve large fish. He dropped them by a fire pit he had created and began striking sparks into the dry moss and kindling with the handle of his knife against a stone, causing a roaring fire to spring up.

"Tarzan… take a look over there – it's like a five minute walk from here."

Archer looked at the fish dejectedly.

"Well, we should probably still cook these up – I mean I would hate to think that they died for nothing…"

Lana was concerned about more immediate things.

"Yeah… like Cyril over there who WILL die – for _real,_ if we leave him next to that toxic, chemical soup he's created."

Archer looked over and had to admit, reluctantly… "Yeah, he's not looking too good."

Then Lana indicated Carol/Cheryl.

"And she's not exactly handling this too well, either."

Carol/Cheryl was kneeling in the mud on the bank completely naked with her hands raised over her head as she shouted around a mouthful of "groovy bears," ejecting colorful bits into the sky.

"I have the HANDS! Why am I not _running_ the SHIP? WHY – OH God – oh my _FUCKING_ God! This is SO _not_ like what the gypsy woman said and I want my Goddamn MONEY BACK!"

Archer turned to Lana and shrugged.

"She seems to be perfectly alright to me…"

"Well – yeah, I guess so..." Lana conceded, "But what DOES concern me is if we're here – where the hell is Krieger going?"

Back up in the van, Brett refused the joint Pam was trying to pass to him, and was not even sure if they should be…

"NO Pam! And – I _really_ don't think it's a good idea to be doing this!"

"It's cool Brett – Jeeze – we're in Colorado! It's like, _totally_ legal." Said Pam, passing the huge joint to Kreiger, "You really gotta lighten up dude."

Brett wasn't convinced.

"We are DRIVING on a dangerous mountain road! You are about to pass that, uh – obscene thing to Krieger… who just happens to be – DRIVING… and uh – is now turning all the way back to… ohmygod…"

Krieger completely turned his back to the wheel as he reached to retrieve the massive joint from Pam. As she handed it to him, he let his hand casually brush hers as he glanced at her over his heart shaped, rose colored glasses. While Krieger spoke, Idoru's eyes narrowed suspiciously as she peered over the back of her seat.

"Thanks for the Spliff _Moon Sugar_…"

"No problem, _Dr. Love-grass…"_

BUH-WHAAAAAM! The van shook and pulsed like it was struck by a thunderbolt.

"Vanispheres – NO!" Exclaimed Krieger as he whipped around and clutched the wheel. He struggled frantically to control the van as it bumped and bounced wildly over a huge obstruction in the road. The storage compartment between the rear seats flew off and hit the roof ejecting brightly colored sex toys and hentai DVDs out into the cab.

"Holy-Rocky Mountain Fuck-Cakes!" screeched Pam, who ducked just in time to avoid the pornographic avalanche that flew in all directions, crashing and exploding around her.

"GODDammit!" Hollered Ray, as his beer bounced out of his hand and smacked against the back of the driver's seat. He watched sadly as the contents foamed all over the red, shag carpeting on the floor of the van…

"… Well, there goes a perfectly good _Rolling Rock_…"

The inside of the van was in chaos – Pam was stuffing multiple marijuana baggies down the front of her shirt while Brett was holding his head and screaming.

"I TOLD you this was a _STUPID_ idea but you idiots wouldn't listen – Noooo! It's like you WANT to kill us all! Is that it? Oh…my GOD. _Seriously_ –That's it… isn't it?! You _WANT_ TO…"

Ray wasn't listening to, or caring about what Brett was shouting anymore. He was more interested in getting _someone_ to just…

"…tell me! Will _someone_ TELL me what the hell we just hit?"

Ultimately, it was Idoru's cheerful, sing-song voice that rose above the confusion.

"Is only silly mountain sheep we hit!"

Then in an effort to reassure everyone, she added,

"Is _okaaay_!"

Krieger locked up the brakes grinding the van to a full stop and looked in his side mirror. It was a massive big horn ram.

"Mein G- … uh, I mean… My God! Look at the horns on that sucker!"

Whipping a mysterious black bag out from under his seat, Krieger jumped out then popped his head back in the window and cast a suspicious glance at Pam, Ray and Brett. He narrowed his eyes and said sternly.

"I want you all to make sure every scrap of my porn is returned to the 'vault' immediately."

Then he added peevishly as Idoru giggled quietly behind her hands –

"It's private."

"Yeah – like I'm gonna be a big help there."

Grumbled Ray, who then added,

"Yo Brett crack me another 'Rock' willya?"

Brett was still reeling from the shock of running over one of North America's largest land animals.

"Fuck you Ray – NO!"

Then shouting out the window at Krieger who had already left to inspect his trophy, he yelled indignantly,

"And I'm not touching your filthy, disgusting porn either!"

This brought a nasty scowl from Idoru that went unnoticed.

"Aaaand as usual – it falls to HR to clean up the mess…"

Pam sighed as she gathered the debris and began plunking it into the 'vault.' Every now and again, she would pause inspect a CD and laugh.

"Oh – yeah, heh, heh, thaaaat's a good one."

Outside Krieger had finished bolting the large horns to the front of his van. He stood back to survey his work nodding to himself.

"Groovy."


End file.
